BCC Staff Note: This Tuesday was National Sanctity of Human Life Day in the U.S., and many will be giving thought to the effects of abortion. This week’s three-part series on the BCC Grace and Truth blog helps us address the issue from a biblical perspective. On Monday, we heard from Andrew King on the topic of sidewalk counseling. Today, Betty-Anne Van Rees discusses post-abortion counseling for women, and Friday Garrett Kell speaks to post-abortion counseling for men.
When someone reaches out to you for help, it’s wise and godly to invest time getting to know the person and their situation before offering counsel: What are their circumstances? What is the context of their circumstances? What do they believe about their circumstances? How are they responding?
When a woman reaches out for help because she has had an abortion, there are some things you already know that put you a step ahead in your counseling relationship. And yet Proverbs 18:13 warns that it is folly and shame to give an answer before you have heard, and we will do well to heed this warning.
What Do You Already Know?
She’s hurting. She is weighed down by irreversible, unrecompensable sin. Somewhere in her past, she has failed to obey the sixth commandment—literally. This is not the heart-level nuances of the command, “everyone who is angry with his brother,” kind of disobedience; the conscious decision she made brought an end to the life of her unborn child. The weight of this reality has real potential to crush a woman’s spirit. If she is asking for help, you will serve her best by proceeding with compassion, being cognizant of the weight she is already bearing.
It is quite likely that when she chose abortion, she did not fully comprehend the significance of her decision. Secular society has encouraged her to embrace the view that “it” is just a mass of tissue devoid of feeling. Further, society encourages women to hide their decision to abort under a cloak of privacy … “if no one knows there won’t be any impact.” The fact that she is now struggling and reaching out for help indicates that she has likely come to the realization that “it” was a helpless child who did have feeling and fully experienced death. And even if she never told another soul, Someone did know. The life that was lost was hers to protect and nurture, and she failed. If she is reaching out for help, these truths are very likely crushing her.
What Do You Believe about Her Sin?
Though we may be a step ahead, the wisdom of Proverbs 18:13 takes on particular significance in this case. Biblical counseling must always be led by the Holy Spirit, but when we sit across from a woman who is post-abortive we have a profound power to either build up or tear down, so we will do well to proceed with the utmost restraint. James compares the power of the tongue to a spark that lights a whole forest on fire (3:5-6); Proverbs tells us life and death are in the power of the tongue (18:21).
Do you judge her? Do you believe her sin is ultimate? Is it the lens through which you view her? Wayne Grudem offers a concise summary of how we are to think of all sin, including hers: “In terms of our legal standing before God, any one sin, even what may seem to be a very small one, makes us legally guilty before God and therefore worthy of eternal punishment.”[1] So in this regard, you and she are more similar than you are different.
“For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.” (James 2:10).
That said, there is legitimacy to the weightiness she is feeling. Grudem further addresses the reality that some sins are more serious than others “in that they have more harmful consequences in our lives and the lives of others, and, in terms of our personal relationship to God as Father, they arouse his displeasure more and bring more serious disruption to our fellowship with him.”[2] This gradation is based on the offender’s knowledge, the willfulness of their disobedience, and the impact of the sin on others (see Lev. 4:2, 13, 22; Matt. 23:23; James 3:1). Your counsel must acknowledge the significance of her sin because it is directly connected to the weight of the burden she is carrying. At the same time, you have the opportunity to extend to her the beautiful truth of God’s grace freely given.
What Do You Believe about the Gospel?
Do you know—really know—that God’s grace is sufficient for all sin? Or have you, like the Pharisees in John 8 with the woman caught in adultery, branded her as unforgivable? Take time to honestly search your heart before the Lord on this. Further, do you speak about certain sinners with disdain? Would this woman be one of them? Do you realize that she has a greater potential to love Jesus because of the greatness of the forgiveness He has extended to her (Luke 7:47)?
This is the good news of the gospel! In 1 Timothy 1:15 the apostle Paul declares, “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners…” Do you know the rest of the verse? “…among whom I am chief.” I believe that one of the things that made Paul such an effective counselor is he knew where he stood—in the same desperate need as the people he served.
Post-abortive women often believe the lie that this particular sin is unforgivable. If you have the privilege of sitting across from a woman who has chosen to end the life of her unborn child, you will serve her best by giving God ample opportunity to prepare your own heart to ensure that your attitudes and words don’t add to the lies she may already be believing. You have the opportunity to gently and patiently encourage her faint heart (Rom. 8:1; Ps. 103). You can help her discover that all sin—any sin—renders us guilty and the precious blood of Jesus, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot, was shed as the ransom for all—including her (1 Pet. 1:18-19; Rom. 8:1).
Question for Reflection
When someone entrusts you with the “fine china of their life” is your heart prepared to handle it with care?
[1] Wayne Grudem, Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine (Leicester, England: Inter-Varsity Press, Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2004), 501.
[2] Ibid., 502.